Four faces stare at me from the photo, and yours is the only one not smiling.
I wonder why?
I remember that night, you told me you were going out with them cause they'd asked you out, and I'd seen photos of that night afterward. And you drank, and they drank, and you'd all been happy.
You squint at the camera, like you can't get it in focus. Why do you always squint? Your lips are curved downward in a slight pout, your lower lip sticking out. I can't remember the last time you spoke to me from those very lips. How many months since I last heard your voice? You look at me, and I scrutinise the look on your face before turning away. As long as I can remember, we've been doing that. Our eyes meet, and the gaze is held for a split second before either one breaks the contact. I can look you in the eye, I can without feeling any guilt, but I'd prefer not to. The morning after, you woke up late. No, it wasn't a hangover. You never had hangovers. That night seems a million years away, now I think of it. How many years have I aged since you threw me away? This desolate feeling of emptiness is nauseating. My stomach roils. Clapping my hand over my mouth, I view the photograph again. Bad mistake. I run to the toilet and dry-heave above the white porcelain bowl. My stomach churns violently, and finally I feel release. I flush the toilet and wash my mouth, scrubbing my teeth harshly with the toothbrush. I return to my room and switch off without looking at the photograph that will provoke my stomach again.
The room swims in my line of vision.
I cannot help it, I couldn't stop it if I tried
The same old heartbeat fills the emptiness I have inside
And I've heard that you can't fight love, so I won't complain
Cause why would I stop the fire that keeps me going on?
Cause when there's you, I feel whole.
And there's no better feeling in the world,
But without you, I'm alone.
And I'd rather be in love with you.
