31.12.04

ah, the last day of the year.
well.. i just came back from the chalet at costa sands pasir ris. it was fun! me and jane stayed up the whole night. and then we went back to the chalet in the wee hours of the morning after going downtown east and played sims bustin' out.
the end...blog more later.
food...i need food...

1:36 PM;

Suga suga, how you get so fly?


25.12.04

i'm blogging for yesterday.
yesterday....
first, about four, left the house to go meet daniel and the rest of the cg members...to go over to the indoor stadium. reached about 1625. right on schedule. then loitered around the mrt station and outside. a lot of harvesters were there also, waiting for their friends and stuff. there were so many people until we clogged up the station and the station master had to announce for us not to block. saw lots of strikeforce peeps there while waiting. then left around..five? i think. walked over...as usual. quite a long walk; cut through people's association, behind the outdoor stadium, and everything. met anthony on the way. with his cg i think. then queued up outside the north entrance. daniel was like, you mean you walk all the way here everytime you come here?
yepps.
hmmm...oh yeah...then after that, they had bag checking again. security regulations. erm...was REALLY a lot of people. we sat at t38. then bryant messaged me, he said he saw mark...i'm so jealous! oh..and and and! he was wearing the same clothes he wore on tuesday. i mean...that shirt is really great. its like, white, and there are patterns at the back. sad that he wore a coat. oh, and i love his jeans, they're really cool. anyways...we had praise which was really cute because they used x'mas songs...and MARK WAS LEADING! haha. erm... then worship..and then had announcements and then the breakdancers came out. their routine was awesome as usual. then they had the x'mas drama.
which was cute. they used an actual infant for the role of Jesus Christ. and its the Christmas story, with some extra parts. which was great...and very funny. then pst kong preached a short message. only twenty plus minutes. then he gave an altar call. a LOT of people responded. which is good=) then me and jane went over to left side of the stage..but they were at the right. so we walked over...and we saw mark!
on stage.
nevermind, his back view is just as good.
okay...then went over and passed my clothes to shu ting..? i think anyways. erm after that went to get out and looked for the cg. surprisingly, they were still outside. me and jane only caught the last 3 minutes of announcements. then was wishing everyone blessed x'mas.
then went to kallang macs for supper. but SO many people! took mrt over to orchard, then went to wheelock bk for FOOD. yumyum. shared a drink with jane. then bryant called and said he was in orchard already..then he also came over to bk and him, jane, and me went over to orchard park for the countdown.then we met chuan tong along the way; he took us over to the cg peeps. then we watched the countdown...after the countdown, we went to find the strikeforce peeps. they were being talked to by bro tan boon. then when they finished, we were like wishing everyone merrry x'mas and shaking their hands. bryant got mesmerised by mark for a while, then we rushed over to the grass slope to find the strikeforce. they were like packing up already. so were were just fellowshipping with them. then talking to them and stuff...then wished a whole truckload of other people merry x'mas...and..I GOT A BLUE CANDY CANE!
yum.
oh...and and and! guess who i wished merry x'mas just as my phone rang..?
never mind. not telling.
then after that...got hauled back to bk with bryant...then met desmond there. i think he thinks that me and bryant are a couple or sth. like, dots?
anyways...after that went home...oh, and fetched mei juan, joanna and her friend home. was a tight fit in the car.
i had a totally sweet time today.

2:43 PM;

Suga suga, how you get so fly?


21.12.04

oh....my gosh!!!!!!!
i got a photo with MARK!!!
(thanks bryant. you're my best friend...and uncle=))
today a lot of things happened...wait, i go take out my contact lenses first.
...okay, i'm back...
right. first, this morning, i was supposed to be at yishun by ten for a cg prayer meeting. but i woke up at EIGHT THIRTY-SEVEN. so had to rush. packed my stuff and grabbed the guitar, then rushed off to tiong. took mrt there, then met germaine, allen, esmond, and desmond there. took bus to weilun's house. then had prayer meeting there. prayed for about forty minutes..? then we wrote the names of our friends on a sheet of paper. a BIG sheet of paper. mahjong paper.=) then watched tv in weilun's house for a while...then left. took bus to yishun again with everyone... and we were all SUANNING esmond about cheryl. i was like.. cheryl-lover...cheryl-lover... then they all joined in. HAHA...VICTORY!
took mrt to orchard to meet bryant to buy christmas present... then went walking around orchard. all over the place. in the end, got him something from perlini's silver. i also got something from there.
then went over to orchard mrt to meet eugene, yolanda, karen, rallen, john. then we walked over to bk at wheelock to eat. after that, we went over to the grass patch slash slope behind the dome and wisma to JAM. adrian was also there... good thing we had the doggie bag full of onion rings. fries and drink. then gave him to eat. then we all sit down there and talk and listen to them playing guitar. john, eugene, adrian, and jeremy. who came soon after. the jeremy from strikeforce i mean. the cymbals player. then lots more people came! then we all sat there and listen. there was also a group playing for today. then, bro tan boon came. then they were required to go already so oh well. then they went... then just left me, john, eugene, yolanda, ...yup that's all. then yolanda, john and me went to check out the performance site. then we all went over. some hula people were performing. then chc peeps came out!!! screams* and we screamed ourselves hoarse.
after everything, right, we went to find the strikeforce peeps. they were at the other side of the stage, so we walked right to there. then we went to talk to them. and and and! i have another daddy! he's adrian. and i also have another mummy! she's yolanda. and my uncle is bryant. yay...i like my family.
hmmm...after that, went to behind wisma. talked there a lot... then went back to in front of the gigantic christmas tree to look for mark (bryant's idea) ...and we found him!!!
when he was leaving, we went to run after him... then bryant was like, brother mark, brother mark, can we take photo with you? then he was like, sure, sure...I WAS STANDING NEXT TO HIM!!! then after that, he was like, thanks for coming yeah.
...doesnt all the church leaders and pastors all say that?
anyway... after that, we went to grab a drink and then left.
can you believe it, i was full after just one burger, a few fries, and half a drink? i didnt eat anything else today.
haha.
God bless, ya'll.

11:57 PM;

Suga suga, how you get so fly?



oh....my gosh!!!!!!!
i got a photo with MARK!!!
(thanks bryant. you're my best friend...and uncle=))
today a lot of things happened...wait, i go take out my contact lenses first.
...okay, i'm back...
right. first, this morning, i was supposed to be at yishun by ten for a cg prayer meeting. but i woke up at EIGHT THIRTY-SEVEN. so had to rush. packed my stuff and grabbed the guitar, then rushed off to tiong. took mrt there, then met germaine, allen, esmond, and desmond there. took bus to weilun's house. then had prayer meeting there. prayed for about forty minutes..? then we wrote the names of our friends on a sheet of paper. a BIG sheet of paper. mahjong paper.=) then watched tv in weilun's house for a while...then left. took bus to yishun again with everyone... and we were all SUANNING esmond about cheryl. i was like.. cheryl-lover...cheryl-lover... then they all joined in. HAHA...VICTORY!
took mrt to orchard to meet bryant to buy christmas present... then went walking around orchard. all over the place. in the end, got him something from perlini's silver. i also got something from there.
then went over to orchard mrt to meet eugene, yolanda, karen, rallen, john. then we walked over to bk at wheelock to eat. after that, we went over to the grass patch slash slope behind the dome and wisma to JAM. adrian was also there... good thing we had the doggie bag full of onion rings. fries and drink. then gave him to eat. then we all sit down there and talk and listen to them playing guitar. john, eugene, adrian, and jeremy. who came soon after. the jeremy from strikeforce i mean. the cymbals player. then lots more people came! then we all sat there and listen. there was also a group playing for today. then, bro tan boon came. then they were required to go already so oh well. then they went... then just left me, john, eugene, yolanda, ...yup that's all. then yolanda, john and me went to check out the performance site. then we all went over. some hula people were performing. then chc peeps came out!!! screams* and we screamed ourselves hoarse.
after everything, right, we went to find the strikeforce peeps. they were at the other side of the stage, so we walked right to there. then we went to talk to them. and and and! i have another daddy! he's adrian. and i also have another mummy! she's yolanda. and my uncle is bryant. yay...i like my family.
hmmm...after that, went to behind wisma. talked there a lot... then went back to in front of the gigantic christmas tree to look for mark (bryant's idea) ...and we found him!!!
when he was leaving, we went to run after him... then bryant was like, brother mark, brother mark, can we take photo with you? then he was like, sure, sure...I WAS STANDING NEXT TO HIM!!! then after that, he was like, thanks for coming yeah.
...doesnt all the church leaders and pastors all say that?
anyway... after that, we went to grab a drink and then left.
can you believe it, i was full after just one burger, a few fries, and half a drink? i didnt eat anything else today.
haha.
God bless, ya'll.

11:57 PM;

Suga suga, how you get so fly?


19.12.04

strikeforce ROCKED orchard stomp!

today was so exciting.
first went to service... then after service, i went to meet denise outside attributes. then we went over to jp for lunch and also 'cos she needed to buy a belt. after that, went back to church 'cos meeting there at 1245. went over and found that we were one of the firsts... sis jennifer said we would be the second batch to go down and do makeup( paint face) and so we went to change, if not the clothes would ruin our paint.
then we went to change... sis jennifer asked whose shirt didnt have paint, mine didnt but it turned out i was wearing it inside out...=X
then we went down to go do makeup. we got to go down into artiste room 2. the paint was cooling, but stiff. and when it dried, it became very ....itchy.
then we went up to cafe for quite a while, we had to stay in an air-conditioned place so we wouldnt perspire and cause the paint to fade. stayed up in the cafe until 1630, then came down and went to the grass patch next to the church to wait for the buses. then we took the buses to orchard.
we alighted at...
okay, i cant remember. never mind. but we walked back to the mrt station and then walked over to behind wisma to strap up and grab mallets. and also some briefing. then those who ordered dinner had their dinner, and then we walked over. then...we waited for quite. lonngg....
the performance was so great!
and....
the second performance was even greater!
we had so many things that we prayed for... good weather, a co operative audience...
we rocked orchard stomp...hell yeah.
just after we finished, when we were walking off, the message was passed: space jam on four. so we were still playing... played and walked, then we turned around and changed to samba.
it isnt called stomp! for nothing.
we really brought up the grand finale.
then we walked over to behind wisma again. bro tan boon talked...then we took group photos. after that, we went to grab our bags and we could leave.
when we were taking our bags, _the_ most amazing thing happened!
haha. but i wont talk about it here. good night, all.

11:59 PM;

Suga suga, how you get so fly?


15.12.04

today went to church, showed pst sun our performance, she said it was really good and she could feel the energy.

adrenaline

1:38 AM;

Suga suga, how you get so fly?


14.12.04

i just finished doing everything, and now its time to blog.
today i had guitar lessons and stuff...
my day REALLY started when strikeforce began.
okay, we strapped up and stuff. i had a metal bin.
(sixteens rock!)
anyways...then we started with space jam one to finale sect a-b. practise a lot of times until we got iBot right. then... went to space jam/the thing to long triplet. practise... practise... practise....
but we did have some breaks. erm... yup.
after that, we did the whole sequence lots of times. then did the walk for the samba. front to back, back to front, so many times until my legs ached like crazy. cos it's a sort of jump/walk.
after that, i felt really winded, as if i'd walked into something solid.
tiring.
then we did the whole sequence again about three times, and prac was over. i think i put the most effort into this prac, i felt so achy and exhausted after this one and i was still breathing hard when we left the p.a. my wrists hurt from hitting the bin, my legs ached from standing and walking so long, my neck was snapping from the weight of the drum, my knuckle well hurt from rubbing against the drumstick, my back hurt from standing so long, and my bruises were killing me. maybe i have to go get kneepads to go with the pounding of the drum against my legs. and i have to tape my knuckles.
well thats it, my bro has to go to bed.

3:10 AM;

Suga suga, how you get so fly?


12.12.04

i just returned from strikeforce. it was super fun today. we performed for pastor derek. before that, we practised a lot. oh yeah, and the drum, the chemical bin, hit me back so many times. on my knee. it hurts...got four bruises there. three are small and one is large as anything.
it hurts.
after service, we had soccer...went to cck stadium. then played a few matches, then it rained. then it stopped, then they went to play again. then it rained again. then it slightened to a drizzle.
about three i went home. then everyone started scolding me for dunno what being home late or whatever.
fine lorh. everyone's so unhappy that i go home, fine. next time i dont go home. so unhappy. scold here scold there. good lorh. next time i dont come home they'll be much happier.
it hurts.
it hurts.
it hurts.
it hurts.
it hurts.
it hurts.
it hurts.
it hurts.
it hurts.
it hurts.
it hurts.
it hurts.
it hurts.
it hurts.
both physically and emotionally.
it hurts.

i cant run to my mommy anymore.
she doesnt love me.

i can run to my heavenly daddy.
He loves me.
unconditionally.
no matter how late i come home, or even if i come home at all, He loves me and He wants me home, even if my earthly parents dont.
He loves me.

i am on a journey- an exciting, adventurous journey. it's a journey on the road of life. along my journey i experience thrills and spills, and i encounter enormous mountains and vast valleys.
i've taken many wrong turns and a few detours, and i've lost my way in the wilderness countless times. but, somehow, i always find my way back to the road, the narrow road. God keeps it all lit up for me so i'll always be able to find my way home.
you know how on hot summer nights you can see the lights of a stadium all the way across town? even if its a long way off, if you follow the lights, you can eventually find your way to the stadium. God's light is like that. it penetrates the darkness andshines steadfastly, and if you'll just keep it in view and keep making your way toward it, you'll eventually end up right there with Him.
but sometimes, the freedom of the wide road seems much more fun than the confines of the narrow road. and i find myself wandering off course and away from God. on the wide road, i can make my own rules and decide my own way. and i like that...for a while. but soon the air there becomes bitter and stale. and the crowds of people press against me, and i get sweaty and covered in dust. i begin to feel as if i'm suffocating. and it's so dark and i feel so lonely- even though i'm surrounded by thousands of other lost souls. and in my desperation, i begin to frantically search for the light. i finally spot it, but it's far away, and i'm tired and weary. i want to give up and rest right where i am. but i know that could get me into trouble. it's sort of like sleeping in your car at a rest stop in the middle of nowhere. anything can happen.
i'm so tired and so far from home, i've accumulated so much baggage that i cant possibly carry it all on my own. i've been away from the light so long that i've forgotten that there are people there who really want to help, and that there is One who is strong and loving and wants to carry my load. He misses me and wants me to come home.
but i'm so ashamed. i've turned my back on Him; i cant ask Him for help now. i cant go home. just look at me. my face is smudged with dirt, my clothes are filthy and worn, my hair is wild and out of control- just like my life. my body is covered with cuts and bruises, and i know they're there because of my own stupid choices.
i cant go home... not like this. i look again at my sad surroundings, then i lift my face to the magnificent road in the distance, all lit up and waiting for me. i know i want to go there; i want to experience the warmth of the light once again. just then, i hear a faint noise coming from far down that luminous road. the sound gets louder and louder,and it sounds so beautiful- like someone cheering and joyfully clapping and shouting. then i hear my name. i cant believe it. someone is calling out my name. i begin to walk forward so i can hear better, and before long, i'm running so fast i cant stop. the voice is so familiar. finally, i see where its coming from. it's the most glorious vision i've ever seen.

-to be continued.
the sequel in the next post.


/i'm just learning how to smile

1:23 AM;

Suga suga, how you get so fly?


9.12.04

bored.
i had bs just now at tiong macs.
saw a group of guys presumably ncos from ntnp.
just found out that i can sign into two accounts at the same time.
(msn, desktop)
extract from someone's friendster description.
i totally agree with it, btw.
"Please please please do not start TyPiNg LiKe ThIs It DoEs NoT MaKE yOu aNy cUtEr aNd It mAkeS rEaDiNg eVeN haRdEr. If you do , I'll most probably poke you in the eye and then ignore you. It is mighty irritating, and really, what is the point of typing like that? Can someone tell me?"
feeling random and spastic.
...
...
...

yeah! colt python elite revolver kicks some serious arse!

9:43 PM;

Suga suga, how you get so fly?


8.12.04

i'm bored. tried a pretty pathetic attempt to start my holiday homework. but that try was futile, so the attempt was abandoned. we went over to starbucks for coffee today, and it was pretty crowded. which is rare. nothing much to report. the huge purple bruise on my knee made by the drum hitting me back isnt going anywhere yet. the mother may be getting me a metal trashcan for christmas.
yup thats all.

7:56 PM;

Suga suga, how you get so fly?


6.12.04

strikeforce-
rhythm like you've never seen before
drum beats with the heart beat of God

shoot. run. knife.

4:00 PM;

Suga suga, how you get so fly?


5.12.04

it's one minute to one.
just got back from strikeforce...yeah it rocked bigtime!
hmmm...today didnt go to church because of really horrible abdominal pains... ow ow ow ow ow
anyway...shall quit crapping and get to the point. constipation!
i think. yeah anyway afternoon i felt much better, so decided to go for strikeforce. pain started acting up again halfway through strikeforce...but heck with it, went on doing the beats. and the movements. man it hurts now. bet i wont walk straight for a week!
...okayy...crapping again.
anyway...in friendster i found the drumbeat sequence... its hosted on the strikeforce account. so i copied it down.

Orchard stomp sequence:
Section A
1. 16th march (Pattern 1)-endless
2. Trash can get in form (TB)-2 bars
3. Space jam 1-8 bars (to n fro)
4. QnA 1 (Taiwan Stomp)-8 bars
5. Drumline cymbals 4/4-1 bar
6. Drumline cymbals 8/4-4 bar
7. Drumline cymbals 16/4-4 bar
Section B
8. Break up 8 beat rock-8 bars
9. Half-Time Funky-8 bars
9. iBot-8 bars
10. QnA 2 (Taiwan Stomp)-8 bars
11. 1-2 Finale Section A-B
(raise up hand to end)
SECTION C
12. Space Jam (left)/The Thing (right) 8 bars [1, 12,12,1,1]
13. 12345, 1 x 8 bars
14. 16 dance
[1,1,1,1 x 8 bars, Guang guang co. X 4 bars, 16 dance x 8 bars]
15. Solo x 8 bars
16. Samba x 1 + 1, 2, 3, 4 + hah!+Samba x 8 bars
17. Long triplet ending x 8 bars

oh dear. i really wanna play in the orchard parade. yeah...
oh, and i put a crown on boo. cos thats me. and no one is to steal my idea and put the crown on the animated character. next aim: learn photoshop really well. i am the REAL princess! i cant believe people are trying to steal my crown and stuff. look it up all you ignorant people! i am the real princess! thank you! even though i may not behave like one. but too bad! my name means princess and yours doesnt. not stating anyone in particular. just a few anons.
and and and! please dont say you dont care. this is called coveting. and you're breaking the tenth commandment of the bible. coveting is so wrong! haha now can you say you dont care? you obviously dont read the bible enough. or have you never read the ten commandments?
shit, crap, damn, screw, and eff.
have some respect for yourself as well as other people's identity, moron! you've taken so many things of mine. you have crossed the line. now i want my identity back. and i will not fail.
i dont hate you. i just hate what you do. and i hate how blind he is.

les seulement princesse

1:59 AM;

Suga suga, how you get so fly?


3.12.04

Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick and thoughts force themselves upon me that I would much rather ignore. I turn to look out of the window in a feeble attempt to distract myself, but the leaves are brown and the sky is gray. There is nothing outside to take my mind off things, and anyway, it is growing steadily darker.
The night is a strange thing; there is something inexplicably comforting, yet infinitely frightening about darkness. When it is dark, I get lonely.
What I wouldn't give to be able to read minds, starting with my own. I don't know what is going on in my head, let alone my heart. I think I made a very big mistake.
I see your face in front of me, but it is not really you I'm looking for, it is someone else. Someone I don't know yet. Or maybe someone who exists only in my head. My thoughts drift back to you, only inches away from me, on the other side of this wall, and there's an aching inside my head. It's telling me you're better off alone.
Oh lord, how I used to love you. But I fell into an ocean of you and pulled myself out just in time. My love got lost somewhere along the line as I was finding myself again. Now you tell me you love me, and well, I never ever thought that would be. Looking back, I can see the look in your eyes, because you never were subtle, were you? But it eluded me because I wasn't expecting it. Not after such a long time. You begged me to give you a chance and I am, but I think it's mostly me forcing, me dreaming. I would love to love you like you love me, love you for your sake, but I think this is just me pretending I can.
You call me your honey, you call me your sugar, but what am I? There's a difference between honey and sugar because sugar's sweet but honey's sweeter and honey is the real thing but sugar is much cheaper. Darling, I don't know how much I'm prepared to pay for your love.
There's something about you that I will always adore and never understand. You're a good kisser, and that's not lip-service, but there's something so naïve about you. You're a good kisser, but are you a good lover? We are sleeping in separate beds because you said you don't want to ush anything, and I am glad in spite of myself, because I'm not sure I would be able to stomach it. That does not have anything to with time. You used to visit me in my dreams; the dreams of a teenaged girl that craves the kind of love she doesn't get from her parents, but that is over now. I am no longer a teenager, and I am no longer inexperienced in the ways of love-making, even if I am inexperienced in the ways of love.
I have given up the part of me I could only give once, and even though I had sworn that I would save myself for you, it was only a girl-hood secret, and only one of many promises to myself that I did not keep.
I cannot say what it was that opened my eyes and changed my attitude towards you. My life went on, but not the same. I had never imagined a life without you, and then you were suddenly gone, leaving a hole that gaped, but not in a bad way. Just different. I have managed to cope with the change in my life, and the loss of the person that it revolved around. I don't think you even noticed, back then. But you notice now, because there is no disguising the fact that I do not love you. Not anymore.
My hero. Or not. You swear you would give me the moon, but what if I don't want it? This is not political, and I need attention like any normal person, but please don't drown me, don't suffocate me, let me live.
I know I've got you what you want, and I've got what you need, but I will make you cry and it's not what I want. I will make you crash and burn and I won't be there to catch you, but will you believe me if I tell you that I love you, just not enough? I love you in a way that will never be enough to bind me to your side.
I'm too impatient to stay by your side, too restless to keep you down when shit gets rough. Baby, not everything is what it seems. I pretended to be more than I was and I thought I could do without love. Now I see that I can't, I took you, but It's not what I want either. Watch your step, because you might loose your balance trying to do what I did, and I don't want to see you fall.
You call me your baby-girl, well let me tell you baby, I will never be your baby. Didn't anyone ever teach you not to play with fire? I'm the flame, I can't get burnt, but you will hurt yourself if you're not careful. Because while you were away fighting monsters, in human form or otherwise, there were some basics you missed. You are a hero because you can wield a wand better than a sword, and a sword better than most people, and you shine much brighter than I ever could, but emotions are something different altogether. They are not something you can fight with a wand or a sword, and believe me - I would know.
I am somebody else when I am with you. I try to figure out why, but I receive no answer, not from myself, and not from you. Still, nobody's perfect. I guess I should have known that you would bring out the worst in me - I have always tried to impress you. Why should it be any different now? You make me act unnatural when being able to act carefree was what I always prided myself on.
All my school days I wished for you to love me, I wanted you to want me and dreamt of nothing but your affection. Now that I am looking your love in the face, I throw it away. But then again, maybe it is simply better this way because you can not keep me here. Many roads I have traveled - big words for someone of my few years, but though I have not done such great deeds as you have, there are other ways I have walked, and they have taught me a lot about myself. I have fallen often, but always picked myself up again and always learned my lesson. I have no regrets; all the pain was worth it. But now, I try to do what's best, and know that I deserve it - I do not deserve you.
It pains me to see you like this, because you deserve so much better than what you're getting for your troubles, but the more I think about this pressure, I don't want to be the one you trouble yourself for. I don't want you and I can't have you and that's what hurts the most, because giving you away is bad for my ego, but keeping you is bad for my conscience, and sometimes priorities have to be set straight.

7:41 PM;

Suga suga, how you get so fly?



Lying in my bed I hear the clock tick and thoughts force themselves upon me that I would much rather ignore. I turn to look out of the window in a feeble attempt to distract myself, but the leaves are brown and the sky is gray. There is nothing outside to take my mind off things, and anyway, it is growing steadily darker.
The night is a strange thing; there is something inexplicably comforting, yet infinitely frightening about darkness. When it is dark, I get lonely.
What I wouldn't give to be able to read minds, starting with my own. I don't know what is going on in my head, let alone my heart. I think I made a very big mistake.
I see your face in front of me, but it is not really you I'm looking for, it is someone else. Someone I don't know yet. Or maybe someone who exists only in my head. My thoughts drift back to you, only inches away from me, on the other side of this wall, and there's an aching inside my head. It's telling me you're better off alone.
Oh lord, how I used to love you. But I fell into an ocean of you and pulled myself out just in time. My love got lost somewhere along the line as I was finding myself again. Now you tell me you love me, and well, I never ever thought that would be. Looking back, I can see the look in your eyes, because you never were subtle, were you? But it eluded me because I wasn't expecting it. Not after such a long time. You begged me to give you a chance and I am, but I think it's mostly me forcing, me dreaming. I would love to love you like you love me, love you for your sake, but I think this is just me pretending I can.
You call me your honey, you call me your sugar, but what am I? There's a difference between honey and sugar because sugar's sweet but honey's sweeter and honey is the real thing but sugar is much cheaper. Darling, I don't know how much I'm prepared to pay for your love.
There's something about you that I will always adore and never understand. You're a good kisser, and that's not lip-service, but there's something so naïve about you. You're a good kisser, but are you a good lover? We are sleeping in separate beds because you said you don't want to ush anything, and I am glad in spite of myself, because I'm not sure I would be able to stomach it. That does not have anything to with time. You used to visit me in my dreams; the dreams of a teenaged girl that craves the kind of love she doesn't get from her parents, but that is over now. I am no longer a teenager, and I am no longer inexperienced in the ways of love-making, even if I am inexperienced in the ways of love.
I have given up the part of me I could only give once, and even though I had sworn that I would save myself for you, it was only a girl-hood secret, and only one of many promises to myself that I did not keep.
I cannot say what it was that opened my eyes and changed my attitude towards you. My life went on, but not the same. I had never imagined a life without you, and then you were suddenly gone, leaving a hole that gaped, but not in a bad way. Just different. I have managed to cope with the change in my life, and the loss of the person that it revolved around. I don't think you even noticed, back then. But you notice now, because there is no disguising the fact that I do not love you. Not anymore.
My hero. Or not. You swear you would give me the moon, but what if I don't want it? This is not political, and I need attention like any normal person, but please don't drown me, don't suffocate me, let me live.
I know I've got you what you want, and I've got what you need, but I will make you cry and it's not what I want. I will make you crash and burn and I won't be there to catch you, but will you believe me if I tell you that I love you, just not enough? I love you in a way that will never be enough to bind me to your side.
I'm too impatient to stay by your side, too restless to keep you down when shit gets rough. Baby, not everything is what it seems. I pretended to be more than I was and I thought I could do without love. Now I see that I can't, I took you, but It's not what I want either. Watch your step, because you might loose your balance trying to do what I did, and I don't want to see you fall.
You call me your baby-girl, well let me tell you baby, I will never be your baby. Didn't anyone ever teach you not to play with fire? I'm the flame, I can't get burnt, but you will hurt yourself if you're not careful. Because while you were away fighting monsters, in human form or otherwise, there were some basics you missed. You are a hero because you can wield a wand better than a sword, and a sword better than most people, and you shine much brighter than I ever could, but emotions are something different altogether. They are not something you can fight with a wand or a sword, and believe me - I would know.
I am somebody else when I am with you. I try to figure out why, but I receive no answer, not from myself, and not from you. Still, nobody's perfect. I guess I should have known that you would bring out the worst in me - I have always tried to impress you. Why should it be any different now? You make me act unnatural when being able to act carefree was what I always prided myself on.
All my school days I wished for you to love me, I wanted you to want me and dreamt of nothing but your affection. Now that I am looking your love in the face, I throw it away. But then again, maybe it is simply better this way because you can not keep me here. Many roads I have traveled - big words for someone of my few years, but though I have not done such great deeds as you have, there are other ways I have walked, and they have taught me a lot about myself. I have fallen often, but always picked myself up again and always learned my lesson. I have no regrets; all the pain was worth it. But now, I try to do what's best, and know that I deserve it - I do not deserve you.
It pains me to see you like this, because you deserve so much better than what you're getting for your troubles, but the more I think about this pressure, I don't want to be the one you trouble yourself for. I don't want you and I can't have you and that's what hurts the most, because giving you away is bad for my ego, but keeping you is bad for my conscience, and sometimes priorities have to be set straight.

7:41 PM;

Suga suga, how you get so fly?


1.12.04

erm...so long never come see my blog and update then so many things happened on the c-box. oh well. anyway...just came back from church, and the seminar on how shall we live.
ANTINOMIANISM:
THE SEDUCTION OF LAWLESSNESS (Part B)

yeah anyway, today before the seminar went town with lyn and daniel again. cant stand it..feel so extra lorh. erm... met lyn at clementi platform with daniel. then took mrt to town and watched princess diaries 2.
it's boring! wanted to sleep. but couldnt. cos ppl keep messaging me. and lyn and daniel, a.k.a. the couple next door, were very busy. VERY busy. right, then we went to heeren. and took neos. and i cant remember what else we did there. so we went to swensen's. daniel la. but the food there is majorly owned! lyn didnt eat anything. cos she said she was broke. well then we took mrt home... daniel sent lyn home..well sort of anyway. they got off at the same stop. and daniel deliberately took mrt when he could have taken a bus straight home. haha. what do you say, dear anonymouses?
and then i went to the seminar. or rather, went to the coffee shop opposite church for dinner. but didnt eat anything. it's all about the fellowship. then actually... wanted to go have dinner with bryant... bigbro lorh... wanted to go home cos he has a test the next day...fine! humph. took W1 to redhill... and we were with chee wai... mm. yeah. okay. and my kor kor told me that taufik won.
Taufik Batisah is seriously OWNED!
the end!
LYN AND DANIEL SITTING IN A TREE.
K I S S I N G

1:57 PM;

Suga suga, how you get so fly?


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OH PUH-LEAAAASE DADDYKINS?

to walk by God's side; always.
and you.


MATERIAL
a drumset
iRiver H10 Triple Platinum
a nokia with a bloody memory card
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a perm.
dark coloured cargos; SnK/BUM?
new jeans
plain, brightly coloured sports bras
ooh! glitter mascara(:
loreal's panoramic curl black mascara
shu uemura eyelash curler
hiphuggers from victoria's secret
Victoria's Secret PINK collection racerbacks
VS Signature Graphic Print Sleepshirt from victoria's secret

READS!<3
The Devil wears Prada; Lauren Weisberger [S$16.95
The autobiography of Paris Hilton; Paris Hilton

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