20.7.05
these two years; i've been drifting in and out of relationships, trying to convince myself that i dont love you.
i tried--
and i failed.
why i cant succeed in convincing myself is a mystery to me; myself. barely more than two months ago, i thought i'd found someone who could replace you. it was all an illusion; a delusion; a hallucination, for 29 days. it felt like 29 years. i dumped him just to avoid the heartache i knew would follow. i'm sorry, but my patience just ended there. i snapped.
you're someone i want, so badly, but i cant have you. i know i cant. everyone would
flip. they wouldnt believe it. and you, still brimming with feelings for two other girls, would probably be shocked and repulsed. i am, after all, cacophobic for a reason. i told you, mirrors make me cringe.
i hate myself. i know this contradicts my skin, but i do.
embroiled in a situation like this, there's nothing left to do but hide all my feelings and wait. baby, i'm not sure how much i'm prepared to pay for your love.
5:29 PM;
Suga suga, how you get so fly?
13.7.05
to the GREAT LYNETTE KWAN LING YU//SIEW FANG; HAPPY BIRTHDAY!(:ok. lets sing a birthday song now. hahas.happy birthday to youhappy birthday, to you.HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO LYNETTE KWANhappy birthday to yoo-hoo!((:birthday message; lynette, may all your dreams come true. pursue them and they will come to you. remember always: dont tell God how big your problem is; tell your problem how big your God is. no matter how big your problem may be, God is always bigger and will always be there to help you. so. little miss happy-go-lucky. be happier. ok? hahas. you have no idea how lucky you are. hehes. hope to see your wishlist diminish greatly in size. if you know what i mean. smile always, your smile will make other people smile too.((:
3:29 PM;
Suga suga, how you get so fly?
9.7.05
not replying texts,
not answering my calls.
any of them.
isnt that what
he did when he had his eye on someone else?
isnt that how they tell us its over?
is he telling me now its over?
does he think i dont love him?
because i do.
if he could
see the way i smile when i read his texts,
feel the leap in my stomach when i see his number calling on my phone.
know the heaviness of my heart when i wait for him to return my call,
hear the sound of my tears falling on the cold tiles.
thats when he'd know how much i love him.
i love you, d-word.
7:38 PM;
Suga suga, how you get so fly?
1.7.05
everyone's falling apart.
is it fair that i'm the only one who isnt, in a way?
you said you love me.
but you seem indifferent.
maybe i'm not as stable as i thought i am, after all.
8:04 PM;
Suga suga, how you get so fly?