today sian lorh. miss ang change our place cos we not having exam for one week... yeah then she go put us sit beside people.. i sit beside jasmine..then she say cannot change...miss ang tisnt as understanding as before... i think tonight i will post a long one...i want to try until ten then i go sleep then wake at three and do work.
kae...
i dunno why lorh. but just now brother very what lorh. i know i cannot be too greedy but still... he promised to buy me the sims 2 for my birthday present... then he said after exam then buy... ok lorh...then i wait...then now he tell me after i get my results then buy. he will tuo until when? this is so unfair lorh... when he told me he will buy for me sims 2 i so happy... then now i dunno when he will buy. make me happy for nothing, especially as what i need is to be happy these days.
and he promised.
he
promised.
then is like after quarreling with him i cry.
i know i'm not reasonable at all... and i also dont know why i cry... i'm so depressed and i dont have anyone to talk to...i cant even post what i really feel on this blog cause it's so public and everyone will see... and my feelings...i really have to tell someone...but who? i know what people will say. the people in church will tell me to talk to God.
but even though i know i can talk to God, i somehow feel that He's got more important things to do than deal with my problems. after all, He's God. He wont have time for me. and if He isnt there for me, no one else is.
i called my kor just now.. jeremy...then i talked to him... and he was telling me to relax and everything... i really dont want to tell him this...but all his methods dont work... they only make me feel worse...then i cried on the phone...mom came into the room..and she went out... then i yelled for her to close the door...and i said please... but then she bu shuang... come in dunno what crap 'even though you not in good mood you cant take it out on me' dunno what thing... i couldnt take it anymore. something inside me snapped. i just shouted at her to get out and then lay down on my bed and wept. surprisingly, she didnt shout at me, just turned and went out.
when i walked past her room just now, she was talking to my brother normally. she looked as if nothing had happened. i just wish, sometimes, i could scream at her and hit her the way she did to me when i was little. i just wish that i could make her feel some of the pain she gave me.
it's not fair. oh, i the world's unfair, i know, i
know. but why isnt it EVER unfair in my favour? it's so unfair and always in the favour of others. never me.
i'm such a loser. if i ever live to be all grown up, i'm gonna write the much-needed books,'the 1001 ways to feel like a loser' and 'the ideal loser's will'. yep. one of these days i'll write my will, and in it i'll include 'the ultimate suicidist's guide for dummies'.
